The Sleep Test, aka Do Not GoogleSo, I had to go to the hospital for a sleep test. I figured, I am a champion sleeper, easy A. If napping was an Olympic sport, I'm on the Dream Team. But then they said they wanted to test for Sleep Apnea. I then got concerned. I didn't know what Sleep Apnea was, so how was I going to pass the test?
They said they would bring me in for the Sleep Study Saturday night,after 9:00. Ok, that's good. I was used to thee late night study groups in college, but maybe it's like riding a bicycle, so I signed up.
But it seems the Sleep Study was the Sleep Test. Is it a test or a study? You study for a test...I hadn't studied. Now how am I going to sleep to pass the test if I haven't studied...bummer.
So I did research today and apparently Sleep Apnea is when there is difficulty breathing during sleep. My wife says sometimes I will literally stop breathing in my sleep. Apparently this lack of breathing is a problem...especially for someone with heart disease. Who knew air was so important? So the nurse who took me to bed had a low, scratchy voice. Not a nice, sultry voice like Kathryn Hepburn.
It was hard to hear what all she said. But I did hear one thing clearly. She gave me some paperwork to fill out and told me, "when you're done with that, put on your sleep clothes, then open the door. I'll be watching from the video camera." ...Umm...Ok, so, she just told me to change my clothes and she'd be watching. I thought about giving her my rendition of cheesy 70s porno music, but I didn't know if there was a microphone for her to hear me, so it seemed to be a waste. And if you've never heard cheesy 70s porno music, DO NOT GOOGLE 70s porno music. If you do, I am not responsible for what happens. So I got ready and finished the paperwork and opened the door. Sure enough sh came in shortly thereafter and thanked me for the show. Then she said she needed to stick something down my pants. DO NOT GOOGLE sticking stuff down pants. I am not responsible for what you find. So she gave me some cords and I ran them down my pants. She put some monitors on my chest, four on my face, a strap across my chest and belly, then I don't know how many on my head. We went from porno to mad science...
And as she's sticking electrodes on my skull, I realize she didn't ask me if I needed to use the restroom, so when she said, "If you need to use the bathroom, just push the button," I realized that, like a toddler still learning how to use the restroom, I'd need to call for mommy to help. Like some weird ageplay scenario. If you do not know what ageplay is, DO NOT GOOGLE ageplay. I am not responsible for what you discover.
So I read some, as is my routine most nights, then decide to go to sleep, call for mommy to let m use the restroom and turn off the light, then I lay my electrode studded head on my pillows and tried to go to sleep. Tried... I spent several minutes wondering how they expect us to sleep like this with limited movement because we are attached to the wall by electrodes. Then I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't sit up. I couldn't call out. I reached behind me and pushed the button to call the Mad Nurse Scientist to my aid. Or maybe another nurse was on duty and she would come in and say, "Are you having trouble sleeping, sir? Maybe I can help..." wearing this...
Hey, a guy can dream...
But no one came, and I started kicking my legs figuring nurse voyeur would come see what's going on. But no one came... Then I woke up...it was a dream...but not a very good one...because a very good one would have had a nurse in that costume. And no, not a sexy male nurse. DO NOT GOOGLE sexy male nurse costume. I am not responsible for what you find.
So back to sleep. Trying to sleep. Waking up again with a slight need to use the potty again, but nothing real pressing, except that all the straps and electrodes are annoying me. Plus my pinkie was falling asleep. Ain't that something? My pinkie needed electrodes because it was getting more sleep than I was. So one more minor annoyance I could ignore at home has to be dealt with. "Can I go potty, mommy?"
When she woke me up it was 5:00 AM. She had some more paper work asking me how many hours I slept, how many times I woke up, how rested I felt. I didn't know how long...there was no clock in the room and my phone and iPod were on the other side of the bed where I couldn't reach. And that weird dream where I was awake in my room trying to sleep then dreaming about trying to sleep, but I was dreaming, so I was asleep...that craziness made me uncertain about how many times I did wake up. And who the hell feels rested being woken up at 5:00 AM? So she disconnected me from the equipment and I rubbed my hands over my fave. A clump of whatever sticky stuff thy put on the electrodes came out in my hands. Then I ran my fingers through my hair...more clumps. I now felt like the star of a bukkake video. If you don't know what bukkake is, DO NOT GOOGLE bukkake. I am not responsible for what you find.
As an added piece of adventure, I had to stop at a gas station before coming home. While there two older drunk guys walked to the station and bought some forties...at approaching 5:30 in the morning.I had adventures in sleeping, they had adventures in not sleeping...wonder who had a better night?
And finally, DO NOT GOOGLE Friday by Rebecca Black. I am not responsible for what you see or hear.